An.Endless.Journey: 2009

Ask and you shall recieve...

I have always heard the saying "ask and you shall recieve," I thought that it was the most amazing thing ever, I can ask for anything and get it, then I thought about it and that attitude quickly turned to, I know that is not true. I remember being about 12 years old and I asked my mom why dont I get what I want when I ask God for something, I knew that he could do anything, because he was God. My mom asked me one simply sounding question, "what are you doing for him that will make him want to give you what you are asking for?" I was kinda offended at the thought of that question, I was not "sining" I came to church all the time and I listened to my parents (occasinally), I made sure that I was not cursing or doing anything that I had no buisness doing so again my question was still, "why wont God give me what I am asking for?" Than she said, "maybe because he doesnt feel like you need it right now, God will fulfill all your needs according to your riches and glory but he does not work on your schedual, he will give it to you when he knows that you need it. You just have to make sure that you follow his will."

I lost sight of that as I got older I begin to feel like I was obligated to certain things, and I would get mad at God like he was doing me a disservice, and I failed to see the reality that, I was the one doing him a disservice, I was the one out of his will, I was the one trying to do it on my own, and getting mad when I didnt recieve what I was asking for, God was there, he heard everyone of my prayers, but at that time I didnt need it, at that time I wasnt doing anything for him. a relationship does not invole one person recieving and not giving, it goes both ways. I said all that to say that my God is a wonderful God. The saying "ask and you shall recieve," is missing something, it should say "ask God and you shall recieve." Because everything that I have asked for I have recieved. I have a loving family, I am in a loving church, I have a job, I am in school, I am filled with the holy ghost, I have been baptized, I am happy. I asked and I recieved.

Endless Prayer

As I sit in all night prayer alot of things begin to go on in my head,
1. Being I should be praying at an all night prayer, and then I remeber that this blog post is a result of that.
For the past couple weeks that I have been home, I have felt a sense of loneliness, a sense like I dont belong, where I am torn between staying and going back to texas. Praying tonight has really opened my eyes, because what I failed to realize before was that the reason I came home in the first place had to do with my sprituality and not with Jesus is my friend, Jesus is here for me. with him I am never alone. I will never be alone.

Now back to prayer.

Why scream and shout....Just wait...

The two questions that I am beginning to dread are "How was college?" and "Why are you back from Texas?" For some odd yet understandable reason, while I was in the lone star state there seemed to have been a rumor that I was in college, sad to say but the truth..and let me clear this up now was I WAS NOT IN COLLEGE...its an inconvenient and unfortunate truth but nonetheless the truth. The reason that I came back from Texas is because I needed to...I wasn't forced..I didn't get in a big blow out and run all the way back home...but as far as spiritual stability goes I needed to come back home..and so I did...Now I am at a place in my life where I am trying to figure things out one step at a time I cant stress and scream and shout I have to be patient and just wait...like the saying goes..good things come to those who wait..and so I wait. My sister wrote on her blog(sorry 4 stealing your story) about a man who ate organic meat for 30 days to see if there was a difference or change in how he felt..and on the 30th day he felt nothing...he felt the same way he felt before he started his experiment so he ate non-organic meat and just a bite...made him sick..what my sister went on to say was that even though we may not feel god moving in our lives or see a change in our atmoshpere or in ourselves does not mean that there isn't one...because just one time we can turn around and go back to what we feel we can and we get sick..whether it be mentally, physically or spiritually....and it made me realize ... I don't wanna be sick, I don't wanna go back to what used to be..I want to keep eating my organic meat..forget normal meat..lol..I know that even if I didnt feel a change it happening...even if I don't see a change its happening ... I know this because I have a God who can do anything and he is working on me whether I feel it or not..and I am also working on myself. So here is food for thought ... What are you eating and how does it make you feel??

Breakthrough...

Since I have been home I have felt like a visitor in my own home...its not my families fault its my own..I have felt like a visitor everywhere I was used to being before, like I was intruding, like I was stepping into someone else space..I didn't feel wanted or needed..I felt like I wanted to run right back to texas...But wasnt that what I did the first time???...I knew that I needed to come home...but I am so glad that god allowed me to go through everything that I did to get where I am...because slowly but surely I am finding myself, I am breaking through....I am determined to grow up and to make sure that I keep moving forward without looking back or without wishing hoping and dreaming of what coulda, shoulda, woulda...Im done with that...When I came back there seemed to have been a rumor that I was away at school..(wow) well for the record I wasnt I moved to texas to pay bills...lol..the truth is that I moved because I wanted to be "grown"...and I ended up right where I started back at home with mom and dad...I say that to say that I learned not everything you do is the right thing to do, but I promise that everything you do...you learn from it and it becomes a stepping stone in your pond...because now I am breaking through, now I am finding out who I am in God...because I am tired of doing things half way and not giving it all I have got...Im done being someone who just talks and isnt about anything...because as of now...I have a job, I am in school and I am taking care of everything that needs to be taken care of with me and my life so that when I go to sing with the praise team or the choir..I can make sure that I am up there giving my all to Jesus so that somebody will get blessed...My time is up and now I need to just breakthrough.

So I wait....

The one thing that I hat to do is wait...I am a person for immediate results I hate waiting on things, people, I hate waiting on life itself to happen..And now I am in a place of waiting, now I must sit back and wait, wait for the things that I want, wait for the things that I need, wait for the opportunities to happen. I must wait. The reason why I hate waiting so much is the disappointment that comes when you don't get what you waited so long for. When you want something so bad that you start waiting on it, knowing(thinking) that it is going to happen...that wen it comes time for it..Nothing..I hate that..I cant stand that..it makes me want to scream because the hurt and pain that comes with the disappointment and the fact that you waited you hoped you wished and than nothing...that's a lot to handle a lot to take in and it hurts..Maybe its my fault, maybe I shouldn't anticipate things as much as I do..maybe I should always have a gleam of doubt just in case things don't go my way..But that's no way to be..and that is defiantly not who I am...So thats why I just sit and I wait.

An Overdue Praise...And a Hidden Word..

A lot of times you will hear people say "everything happens for a reason." Personally I say it all the time. There are times where I think that it should be said "God does things for a reason," but if its a bad thing I feel as though that would give people a excuse to take it out on him. In my life everything has taught me a lesson, I can be the most hard headed person in the world at times, there are times where I see people make mistakes and rather than learn from them I have repeated them with the mindset of " maybe I can do it differently, I wont make the same mistake as them," only to find out in the end that I was so wrong. For the last couple months I have not been to church I have not given God the praise that he deserved, I have not prayed the way that I should have prayed. But for the last couple days all that has changed, it may have been an overdue praise, but I praised God without holding back and it felt oh so good. I heard a word that touch my heart and warmed my soul. The question is where do I go from here on out? I know that God deserves all my praise and all my praise he will have, but physically where do I go from here? Will I be at a place with God that I am able to leave home again and do what (I) feel is best? Is that whats best? I am at a crossroads, I have made up plan after plan after plan trying to figure out exactly what I need to do to make things work for me and for God, and maybe that is staying home and receiving what God has in store for me here, being who God has called me to be here. So that must be the answer to my questions, I cant move until God tells me to, and right now he is saying to stay. Its not about me anymore, it is bigger than me, I cannot afford to have a overdue praise and a hidden word, I need to get mine every chance that I get.

I run this ... fear.

Someone asked me what my biggest fear is..I dont have a list I dont have an answer that just comes to mind at the asking of that question so my answer is always simply, " I dont know." Truth is my biggest fear is facing my fears..I hate to try something and it be in vain. To be so determined about something that when it comes down to it, it never comes to pass..I am scared that my determination will turn to disappointment, that I will have no fight left in me to fight. I dont need that, nor do I want it. In the last 10 months I think that I have faced to many of my fears; I learned how to drive, I am going back to school, I have learned to grow up and accept responsibility, I have learned that not everything or everyone is how they seem, neither are their opinions. I am growing, that in itself is a scary thing. Part of me feels like I have failed my self, I have failed my family and I have failed God..well I want to thank him for second chances because without it, I wouldn't even be here right now. I just have to learn to take what I was given and learn from it, I cant continue to go down the path that I am because it will not get me anywhere at all. In january I start school. In January I start a new life a new start I can be whoever I choose to be..but the question is who will I be? Will I be the person that I know God has called me to be?? Or will I be the person that I dont know the one that does what she wants regardless of what anyone has to say..the girl that is going to go all out and act like she has no respect for herself, her life, her family and most importantly her God. I refuse to be that person. I need to be the person that God has called me to be, because with him anything is possible and I will accomplish all things.

I run my fears not the other way around.

What a Man, What a Man, What a Man.

So settling for less is a thing in the past..I want to tell you about my man (even if I haven't meet him)

My Man is...
Someone who is loving, caring, and kind...

Someone who loves God more than he could ever love me..

Someone who not only sets goals but also meets them..

Someone who is not afraid to show how they feel...

Someone that makes me say "what a man, what a man, what a mighty good man!"..

Someone that will be there for me even when I do the ugly cry...

Someone that love me for me and all that I have to offer...

Someone that loves my family as much as I do...

Someone that can take me out when they are broke and we still have a good time..

Someone that is able to put a smile on face in the midst of a storm...

Someone that has a personality that is simply amazing...

Someone that is patient...

Someone that can sit in a quiet room with me and we will not be bored...

Someone that can cook...

Someone that knows without a shadow of a doubt that he is willing to wake up next
to me every single morning...even with morning breath...

Someone who is genuine, modest and humble....

Someone who pick his battles wisely....

Someone that is a family oriented person....

This is probably a small portion of a long list of things to add, but if any one was considering being with me they would have to start checking the list off...lol

Movin on Up

Extra Extra!! Read All About It!!!

AMANDA JOY IS GETTING IT TOGETHER!!!..LOL

In all seriousness I really am getting it together..as of yet, I have not been blogging due to the fact that I spilled something to drink all over my keyboard while laughing..honest mistake and though my laptop still works I prefer not to use the on-screen keyboard. I know that you are dying to hear whats going on in my life so here it is..I am moving back home to cali...for 2 months..I plan on attending Grambling State University in Jan. during the spring semester. I do miss home my family, my friend and who could forget my dog..lol..I honestly believe that God allowed me to be in dallas for a reason..not only have I made some of the most amazing friends but I have also learned so much about life and that there is more to it that meets the eye..I took everything for granted..and never seemed to realize how life if truly lived..they say you live and you learn..you never stop learning, experience is a class that you will never graduate from..you cant even get kicked out of it..lol..I am working on getting a car I recently received my license .. so I am working as hard as I can to make sure that I can get a car. Life is what you make it..and responsibility is one of the hardest things ever in life..especially when you don't feel like being responsible...

That was my update.

Long time.. No talk..

So..wats been up?? Not much just work and getting ready to get ready for school..lol.

I am learning to wait, they say that good things come to those who wait, and I have always been that type of person to try to rush things I don't like to wait. Now I am learning because I have begun to notice that when I try to do speed up the process something always seems to go wrong. In more senses than one.. Today I was reminded that I was waiting for my night and shining armor..It was not like I forgot but at the same time I needed a reminder.. I have been reminded of so many things lately, things that I know but choose not to hear from myself, heck I barely choose to hear it from anyone else, But right now I realize that I left cali, thinking that I could not be changed that I will not let anything around me influence me or how I feel..But has it?? H.. E..double hockey sticks.. yes!!..lol..But yet with such a stubborn attitude I choose to have an attitude of, I can change I will choose not to let things influece me..but determination does not force itself on you, it is something that you have to want, something that you have to grasp, something that no one can give to you or do for you..determination is only something that you choose to have..I keep saying that I want to be determined, But in the end its words, true determination is a combination of perseverence and fight. And for me to question if I have it is a no..

So the big question is what do I really want, what do i need to be determined about, ...

wow..I really just went from waiting to a compltly different subject.

Where are you going??

I have been running..where?? I don't even know but for some odd reason I keep running. At times I feel like I just cant stop like I'm on an endless road and all I can do is just run. There are some things that scare me, that I an on the fence about. Things I feel like I just cant do but than feel like why not give it a try?? Why not be the blessing that God has called you to be??..But has he called me or is it all in my head?? Do I have this gift just to have it?? Do I have this gift so that I can share it?? I don't know, so why stop and think why look back why not keep running..The only problem with running to something that you don't know is there is that it may not be what you want or anything that you need. I'm tired, I will stop, I will take a break, I will breath. But whats next..Because once I stop running I feel so lost.

What do your Tears mean??

Tears...Water flowing from the eyes till you cant squeeze anymore out..
People have different tears for different reasons..and lately I have had to ask, "what do your tears mean?"
My tears mean so much that I could write a book and it would be a best seller (but I wont). Lately my tears I cried have been for three main reasons. I have shed tears of happiness, tears of sadness, but most of all and mainly tears of confusion.. But why??.. and what does that mean?? I have been so happy that I just had to cry because that was the only way that I could express my happiness at the time..and im a happy person..lol..I have been so sad..that I would just cry myself to sleep..where would the sadness come from??.. It came from all of the confusion..I will be so confused at times that it all weighs down on me so hard that all I can do is cry..One thing that I heard was that we choose the state that we are in..so does that mean that I choose to be confused, do I choose to cry myself to sleep at night, if so..than I choose the opposite. But how do i make the transformation wothout feeling a los of myself? How can I become someone else? Will I become someone else?? See thats the confusion that kicks in...it sneaks up on you like a thief in the night..so what is their to do??
To start I can choose not to cry.

Storms...

I am in a storm. A personal storm with myself. Some days the storm calms down and others it doesn't seem to stop..it seems like it gets stronger and stronger. Its like when Jesus was sleeping on the boat and there was a storm and all the had to say was "peace be still." I need this storm to be still and all I feel like I have to do is call on Jesus right?? .. Well I think that I am in this storm for a reason, like this storm is supposed to show me who I am, why I am and how I am. This storm is necessary..But how long is it supposed to last? How long do I have to feel this storm..How long do I have to fight for that peace within myself? Why am I in this to begin with.. Because I am lost. I feel like I keep running up and down a long hallway and I keep missing that turn where Jesus is waiting for me, calling me .. But yet I keep running? I sometimes feel like I am Paul and I just need to have the faith step out of the boat and just walk to god and keep all my focus on him, because I know that if I lose focus than I lose faith. I have the answers to my question but yet and still don't put them into action.? Why do I do that ..Why do I fight and fight and fight and get tired of it when all I have to do is...turn that corner, step out that boat..have faith that god will make it alright, that my storm will be still. I am in a storm..But i'm also stepping out the boat.

Give appreciation where it is due...

I am a very grateful person..I am not stating that to brag or boast, but the reason behind me saying it is because I want to say thank you to all the people that I am grateful for..the people that God placed in my life to be a blessing and show me things that I was to blind to see from other. I am grateful.

First and foremost I am grateful that I serve an awesome and amazing God one that will never leave nor nor forsake me. I am grateful that when all else fails that he is still there with his arms open wide. I am grateful to be his child and to be able to call his name and know that he hears me.

I am grateful for my family..They have taught me so much and have always been there..During the last couple of months I have been in a personal battle with myself and who I am, but always know that I can pick up the phone and talk to my mom as though she is my best friend(but keeps in mind that she is my mother). Or talk to my dad if I ever feel to far from home..Talk to the grandmas about creative ideas and thoughts .. and know that an encouraging word is on the way. I know that I can call gordon, and although he has his way of making things seem so blunt..I am never offended because he makes sure that it makes sense..And talking to josh and chris knowing that they are growing and it does scare me because this world is not getting better, but knowing that they have a great family and a great church, gives me comfort. And LeeAnah, I am so grateful for you..although it may be rough with us.. I think me coming out here was what the both of us needed..I am so sorry for everything that I may have put you through..But am grateful that through it all you are my sister and I would not have it any other way..I love you family.

I would also like to express my gratitude to someone that has never once judged me for who I was and always kept it real no matter the situation. She made herself available 3000 miles away when I needed her. She has never once looked down on anyone and their situation and for that I cannot be more grateful. I may not have expressed my gratitude, But I am so grateful for you..you are a great example and I love you and thank you so much. I am happy that I met you Sis. Jokena Scott.

To Elise..Thank you...you have been a encouraging person in my life and I couldnt ask for more. I am thankful that you are always there when I need you and you always make your self available. You are a strong young black woman and have endured so much and I look up to you..you are such a great mother, girlfriend, and friend. And for that I think God that he placed you in my life.

Amberella..lol..You are my road dogg..My ace boon koon..and thats just how I feel..lol(insider).
you are a true friend and have been since I have been out here..we are opposite but alike in so many ways. But in the midst of it all and till the end you will always be my friend.

Jelli Bean..Your simply amazing..you tell me what I need to hear whether I like it or not..we have had a share of trouble but we went through it together.. you are my jelli bean and I would not trade you for nothing at the candy store.lol..But seriously. I miss you, and although we have not talked in a while and when we do it is far and in between I know that you will have my back no matter how far you are.

To my cousins Aleah and Rasheed..ever since I have came out here you guys have been amazing. ..you were always there and always made yourselves available whenever we needed you. I thank you guys so much because you have been such a help in my life. You have always told me what I needed to hear and not what I wanted to hear..You have always cooked really good meals that I will never forget. But you guys have always been there, regardless of the situation you were there no questions asked.

Look out Below!!

I don't know what made me think of this .. but today I was thinkin about when people shed.. you are probably thinking..huh?? but I mean when you grow out of a phase or change something about yourselves..do you ever think of who you effect or who you are passing that bad habit to.? It just a thought..and I know that my analogies are not always the best but think of a person shedding the bad habit of drinking to much and their little brother or sister is right there catching on to what they let go because they see it as them following in their footsteps..but anyways this perosn shreds drinking and passes it on to thier younger sibling that later than becomes an alcoholic..than what..

Like I said this was just a random thought..but if you are going to shed a bad habit around someone please give them a warning and say "LOOK OUT BELOW!!" and thats the moral of the story...hahaha

Thats Not Fair!!

It used to irk the cores of my soul every time I would hear someone say "life's not fair," I got so tired of saying "I know," and "so," that I just don't say anything now. The fact of the matter is that life isn't fair and it never will be. But what we can do is try to minimize the unfairness of it all. Treat others how you want to be treated. That is something that so many people seem to always try to say when something doesn't go their way, but do they live by it?? Do they treat others how they want to be treated or do they just sit on the butt and complain about how they are no being treated how they claim they would treat others..89.9% of America do that. I am on the border of it all I go both ways..lol But im trying to stay in the remaining 10.1%. Now and Days you cannot tell someone that they are being unfair to you, because they will either flat out admit that they are and make you look stupid for even mentioning it.. or they will find every excuse to argue their point with a pile of guilt weighing on their hearts knowing that they are wrong..Will they admit it..maybe..but its not likely. Who likes to admit that they are wrong(I look for hands...)...(still no hands) okay..than thats it..no one..

So everytime you feel like saying "That's Not Fair!!!" Suck it up kiddo because "Life's Not Fair."

Its just a touch away...

I have always been the type of person that when I hear "yes, yes, yes," and one "no" I immediately forget all the yeses and think of that one no. Why is that?? Its because it was so easy for me to take things for granted to think about myself to only want what I want and not even consider why I was told no in the first place. I would be mad at a no in a sea of yeses. Silly me. Though in admittance I just recently came out of that stage..or should I say am coming out of that stage(they say the first step of overcoming something is admitting you have a problem). Now I consider the reason that I am told no and accept it..though at times it still may seem unfair but nonetheless I was asking for a service and if they didn't feel like providing it at the time whatever the reason than I have to suck it up and deal with it, because trust me how you react to rejection is often watched.

So if I want something done I have to do it myself or I can wait..and I'm not a very patient person..I may say that I am but the harsh truth is that I'm really not. Everything that I need is just a touch away..though it may seem like you have to stretch your fingers so far..it is still a touch away...don't ask me how it works or how I know or even how it feels ... because im discovering it for myself so when I know there will be yet another blog.

Lower Me...

What does it mean to lower yourself?? How do you know that you officially lowered yourself is it because more than one person told you .. or do you feel it, like really really feel it deep down inside. Do you feel shorter or even look shorter?? When someone says to you that they feel like you lowered yourself what do you do? What should you do?? Should you put on heels and make yourself feel taller..I do..

Im not low I am 5'3 and I am tall in my own skin. So the next one to tell me that they feel I lowered myself ..I will just say "Lower me!"

(The kicker is that I dont even know what it means)

Please ... Let Me Fly...

When a bird is born they spend a certain time in the nest before they learn how to fly.
When it is time for a bird to fly the parent bird begins pushing the bird towards the edge of the nest. It does not show the bird exactly how to fly, it does not send the bird to flying class, and it does not let the baby bird sit on its back while it flies.

I am trying to learn to fly, I need to learn to fly. I know that I may fall, but I will get right back up, climb up the tree and try it again. I know I may hit some branches, but I will wipe myself off and learn which way to go. I know that I may fly with the wrong flock, but let me learn to leave them and fly solo until the right ones come around. I am not saying that I dont need anyone, because I do, but all I am saying is that I need to fly, I cant fly with a chain on my legs pulling me back because than I will only go as far as you allow me and I will never learn.

Please let me fly so that I can learn. I know what you have taught me and I have taken your words to heart. Please let me fly so that I can know what the world has to offer me, without you covering me with your wings. Please let me fly so that you can see that although I may lose my stride I pick it back up, I take control and I fly. So please let me fly so that you can see just how much you influence me.

Please....Let Me Fly...

You live and you learn..

For the past few days I have learned so many things. Some were relearned, some I already thought that I knew, but the fact remains that I learned. I am now working at a small wine shop in one of the local malls and there have learned so many things, for one I learned alot about wine and I dont even drink it...I have also learned that when someone comes in asking about a specific wine it is better to say it taste like what you read on the back and make them believe you actually know what you are talking about, another thing is I thought wine was an easy thing to sell..half the world are people that drink because it has alcohol in it but the truth is its not, when it comes to wine people know exactly what they want..even if they dont they still act like it. And I cant blame them because when it comes to wine I act like I know what i'm talking about.

Another important thing that I have learned is never close a store gate when you have to go to the bathroom with a dress on...Your probally thinking why would I do that in the first place but people do crazy things when they have to pee...Dont Ask...lol

I have this one guy friend and I kinda stopped talking to him for a bit because I felt like he was becoming a bit attached to me and I dont like that at all, because I did not feel the same way and I felt like he shouldnt feel the way that he does (but i cant stop him). He called me a couple days ago and asked why I have not been talkin to him...I didnt know what to say, so I let him know that I was busy and he basically called me a bad friend..maybe I was being one maybe during that time of me not talking to him is when he needed me the most..but I have always believed that if I dont feel comfortable with something than remove myself from the situation..The way that I did it may have not been the approach that I should have taken but still, like I said you live and you learn. Anyways I called him back and asked a simple question " what do you want from me?" he said " a friendship," so I told him that he had that and asked, "what do you want that you feel that you cant have?" and he simply said "unconditional love." The only people that have uncoditional love for me is first and foremost God and my family. No one else..so how do you love unconditionally without feeling a sense of attachment..is it possible??

I am slowly learning to find my voice..I realize that I cant hide behind someone elses I need to find my voice and speak up for myself because if I dont than, I wont get anywhere, I wont become anything, and I wont progress.

I never believed when people say life is a battlefield, but now I am starting to see the light. Life is a battlefield from start to finish, you fight to crawl, you fight to walk, you fight to talk, you fight for what you want and you dont stop until you get it. I am learning to fight, for some odd reason I used to trick myself into thinking that I dont have to fight that someone can do it for me, but where has that got me?? Im not in school, I dont have my own place, I dont have my own car, and that is no ones fault but my own, because I could be in school right now, I could have a car right now and I could have my own place right now. But I dont, because I choose to slack, to be lazy, to sit on my happy little butt and do nothin. Well now I am a different person I am tired of the doing nothing phase in my life I need new, and I need it now..lol

Somethings you just cant do...

I hate it when people only tell you how they feel when they have reached a state of vulnerability... it makes me question if it is truly genuine or is it just a front to get what they want.. I hate it when you let people know how you feel...only to continue feeling unheard..maybe I am asking to much to be heard, or maybe just maybe I am asking way to much for people to be real with me...I dont know what to do anymore... I am me I will tell you what I want when I want it and I will tell you how I feel, but what I give I want in return. I dont want/nor do I need to become numb..I dont want to stop feeling so that I dont have to hear the same things over and over, or so that I just dont care how a persons feels anymore. That is not who I am, That is not who I want to be. I am making decisions for me now and only me and all I ask is support...if I fall encourage me to get back up..if I drown let me know that you are there so I will find the strenght to pull myself back up..if im down for the count let me hear you in my corner so that I will stay in the fight...im not asking you to pick me up and im not asking you to fight my battles all I ask is that you let me know that you are there. I know that God has my back regardless of any situation that I go through he is there every step of the way when I scrape my knee he is ready with a spiritual band-aid..lol..So God is my partner, my best friend, my ace boon koon..and if you dont want to be there than okay..God's got my back.

After the Silence...Mess...lol

Confusion comes when you are in a place where you cannot make up your mind, when left kinda looks right and up sometimes can be down..but you are still left with that feeling of uncertainty. Confusion can also be a choice..you can choose to be and stay confused or you can figure it out, you can ask questions and get answers...So am I confused..very much so..is it a choice..of course. But im going to ask the questions that I need to get of where I am so that I wont be back where I have been.

What is sanity?? Im not saying that im going crazy or anything..but I know that I am not sane..so what is sanity??
Dictionary.com says that Sanity is: Soundness of judgment or reason.

If that is sanity that I think that in the whole human population people have spurts of sanity, but sane 24/7 highly unlikely people have trouble picking a color t-shirt...they can stand in a store for hours looking for the right one the is no sound judgment there...so are they insane??

Insanity- extreme folly; senselessness; foolhardiness

I dont know...insanity had so many definitions that I may even be insane...I believe half the population is insane..but we aren't sick, or crazy..or are we??

Im not even sure what the purpose of this blog was it was kinda just some strange ramblings...lol
It was on my mind now its online (in a way it rhymes..lol)

A Moment of Silence...

Lets have moment of silence for the amount of confusion that I have been through the last couple of days...

though confusion is a choice im still trying to figure out why im making that choice..confusion is a sickness.

Change..Responsibility..and..Opportunity

Change - to make the form, nature, content, future course, etc., of (something) different from what it is or from what it would be if left alone:

Change is one of the hardest things for me..it just may be because I'm stubborn, but change is just scary. I know that with change comes opportunity, but there is also room for new mistakes, new disappointment, and new problems..maybe I am just looking at it from the negative point of view rather than the positive. Change can also be just what helps me to grow up, to live learn and move on. Change just may be what I need to get what I want out of life I cant just sit back and act like life isn't fair..Hell life has never been fair, and I don't know what possessed me to sit here and feel like I was the exception, like I was so different that life itself would stop dead in its tracks only to cater to Amanda Joy..I have been spoiled and not so much in materialistic way but in the way of my thinking, I have taken everything that I have been given for granted only to sit back and pout when I don't get more..people have been through hell and back in their lives and here I am complaining about how lost I am. Change is my next step and I can sit here and type and talk about it all I want but finally I WILL be about it. But with change comes the next word.

Responsibility - Something for which one is responsible; a duty, obligation, or burden.

I dread responsibility not only because its a big word but because its a scary word..if they turned it into something that people actually enjoyed saying than the world would be a better place..lol.
Tonight I realized that I have to own up to my mistakes and my down falls instead of trying to make an excuse or look at what someone else is or isn't doing. I need to stop selling myself short. I need to be responsible, the time I had to learn it is up, I just have to do it..no questions asked. It will be a long hard and tough road but no one is going to do it for me, I have to learn how to do it for myself. Its time..I say that I cant stand being treated like a little kid..but have I shown that I can be treated like an adult?? Have my actions shown that I can be responsible..(NO)..so why am I feeling like the victim ??..My grandma once told me that "nobody can make you feel a way...you choose to feel that way," at first I thought it was a bunch of b.s. I'm not even gonna lie, but she was so right, I choose to feel mad, sad, irritated, aggravated, agitated, and just pissed, like somebody owes me something..nobody owes me a penny off the street so why am I chosen to feel like this. Responsibility is a beast but I live and I learn and I move on...why not take the responsible way out.

Opportunity - a situation or condition favorable for attainment of a goal.

With Change and Responsibility comes Opportunity. It is said that God will never give us more than we can bear, but I also believe that God will give us what we want when he feels that we need it most.(if that makes sense to you..it does to me..lol) If I expect great opputunities to come knocking down my door I must be working pretty dang hard.. I am going to recieve great opportunities but the only way that I will accomplish that is if I change my ways (not who I am) and become a responsible young adult..I will make mistakes, I will mess up and things are not going to be easy as pie on a sunday morning..lol. But I need to learn that and deal with it. opportunity comes with a price and I have to be willing to pay it and move on to get my reward, my gold at the end of the rainbow.

Insecurity??

What does it feel like to not feel secure in your own skin..to look at yourself and see a stanger someone that you no longer know, someone that just happen to slowly make its way into your life only to accomplish its goal to take over. Has it taken over? Where is the real me, am I far that my security cant even make its way back to me. Or is it just right around the corner screaming my name but I am nearly deaf to it because im to busy wallowing in my own self pity..What do you do??...What am I going to do?? I dont know..

I did it fo sho!!

I finally made the decision I am going back to school..dont ask when or where I will tell you with time.
On a different note, today was a day...I dont know what is wrong with me but I have been so emotional ...this road to self discovery is opening all the closets of emotions that I closed. That probally didnt even make sense but its just one of those days. Maybe I need another random "I love you," message .. I think I got to comfortable with it..lol..

Last night there was a huge thunder storm that lasted no more than 30 min, But I went out side for 5 of them (but came back in because the bugs were after me..lol)...My point is that in the midst of that storm I found so much peace, that when the storm ended I was sad. In a way I think it was God's way of telling me that in the midst of me going through this self-discovery thunder storm, he is my peace and that I just need to let go and he will handle the rest. I know that God has my back, all I have to do is just let go and let him take control. I know for a fact that I can go further with God than without him, so I choose the further option..

Self-discovery is ridiculous I wish that they had a manuel that you read when you start your "journey" explaining to you the steps that you are going to take, what the outcomes will be and what will happen along the way..I am all for suprises but when it comes to life and making tough decisions I think I would like to know..lol...I just might write a book. "The Road To Self-Discovery" (if there isnt already a book like that out there) In stores after I discover myself..lol

Life for sale..??

Does anyone have a life for sale???..sometimes I feel like I have no life, like I want so much more out of it..I dont know how long this feeling will last so catch a chance to switch lives for a day..lol..

Randomness...

I have always feared being alone, I know that I shouldn't because I am never alone because god is with me. I think that I fear independence in a way, doing things on my own and not having anyone to fall back on can be a scary thing. Dont get me wrong or anything I want to grow up and everything, I want to be independent. Im just scared, scared to mess up, scared to make a mistake that I cant fix, scared that everything that I want so much will never happen. I know that I am not supposed to live a life in fear but I dont know...maybe I will find my way. Just some randomness

WOW!!

The title made it seem like I had something interesting to say today..LOL..But when you think about it I always have something to say whether it's interesting or not that's up to you. So back to me, I have learned so much in the past week that I can hardly retain. I have had someone that I have liked for the past 4 months tell me that they felt the same way but than not act it, I have never really believed when people say "actions speak louder than words," But now im not so sure, day in and day out I try to justify that what he said may be right, but now I feel that it may just be time for me to move on. On another note today I recieved a simple message that said "I love you," from someone who I have never really talked to, it really caught me off guard but in a weird way put the biggest smile on my face. Not because I think he really like love, loves me but because it was something that I needed to hear at that very moment. Funny how things work out that way. I have also discovered that when the doctor gives you a perscription to fill and you think that your fine...fill it anyways .. I know that its common sense but some of us need to hear it anyways.

The Beginning

...So this is what the beginning feels like.. so confusing that a kitchen table begins to look comfy.
There are so many decisions that I am going to have to make not only for myself but for my family, for the kids that I will have in the future and for everyone who I come in contact with. I found a definition of beginning and it says " an act or circumstance of entering upon an action or state," I am acting now, not tomorrow or the next day but now, Im entering a state in which my mentality has to change I can no longer go through life depending on others I have to be strong for myself I have to want it for myself. It is only the beginning of an endless journey. Knowledge is a class I will never graduate from.

Just to let you know...my beginning started at exactly 3:42 am...why..I dont know God works in mysterious ways..lol..

Goodmorning..lol

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