Me.

You know when you move out on your own, you have an idea in your head that makes you want to reinvent yourself, become the brand new you, the you you have always wanted to be. Than reality hits and the change never occurs.

I wanted to be the strong, cofindent, christian woman, ready to take on the world while waiting on my future to sweep me off my feet. Things arent exactly going that way.

I often feel as though every step I take is neither forwards or backwards, im still just there unable to go anywhere drowning myself in a quick get up remedy to get me through the week.

When did I become so damaged?? Or have I always been this screwed up hiding behind my smile.
Im so close to the edge with so much curioisty as to what the fall may feel like.. with my conscience barely holding on my a thread.

Writing gives me some piece of mind..It makes me feel as though someone is listening to my every word understanding exactly how I feel. I know God does but often times I feel like he may not want to hear the words that I have to say.

Im not sick, so why do I want time to heal. Im not crazy so why do I feel the need for isolation. Ive changed I dont feel like me, so why cant I find where I was, who I was.

Ive drowned in a sea of unfallen tears.

Ive screamed on mute till my mouth could open no more.

Ive been the cat destoryed by curiosity.

Im not sure where to go from here..Im not sure if I can go from here..ugh..I feel as though the walls are closing in and I have no where to go..

For now I guess ill just have to wait..right now is not a good time ..but time I dont have enough of.

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At a loss for words with so much to say

Why is it that when I think of you I think so hard, But when I open my mouth to speak, vowels and consonants come out with less words than blank cards.
I have you in my head, curious about my heart, I have had you so many places I dont know where to start, but yet and still with you I am at a loss.
At a loss for words with so much to say, maybe its how you do things in such a way, such a way where it leaves me speechless with so much breath or maybe even breathless with so much speech.
It's like you have a hold of curiosity, with the desire of the dissection of your every want and needs.
Sweet as honey trying not to be drawn like bees, but as poisonous as a cobra so I dance with you unsure if I I should leave.
Like a mystery unsolved because no one wants to spoil the ending, but eveytime the book is lifted its like its a new beginning.
A fresh start for grown man with a master plan living life day by day and yet an still I remain at a loss for words with so much to say.

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When he speaks

So I was asked to do a poem with unknown words to say,
So I start with when he speaks because he talks in such a way
Such a way where you want to listen, such a way where you need to hear
To hear the way he uses his words, will have you scared you might be smitten
Or memorized by the mystery, the mystery of how he feels, the words behind the words that are spoke
And the hesitation to say the right things when he listens afraid not to choke,
Not to choke on the way that you feel, unsure of what is real
Making sure the signal are clear, so that when he speaks his response with the words that I need to hear
My ears will be near.

But with every pro comes a con
So I will tell you when he speaks, sometimes he may be wrong,
Weather its the unsurity of the matter which is spoke, or the insecurity of the situation that is presented
To the matter of simple football trumping the oh so simple basketball
Confidence is portrayed when he speaks weather he revels the mystery behind the curtain or not

But I gladly listen intrigued by the mystery
Listening to the words he speaks. 

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Marriage.

Plain and simple I want to be Married!!
I am in preparation right now ans so is my husband to be..God is working on the both of us so that once we come together we will be unstoppable. I see the love today and it is Amazing sometimes more than Amazing I see how so couples are so on fire for God while being so in love with each other and I want that. I want to wake up to someone every morning knowing that they will never leave me..never hurt or betray me..never leave me in the dark or make me feel less than.. I want to love to cater to to encourage..I want to marry a Man. But I have to prepare I can't go into a relationship with a sense of immaturity I cant rush something that takes time..So I wait and I mature and I grow because once my Man finds me...OOWWEE it is going to be on an poppin..lol I have always said that I love ..Love. I am a romantic..I expect to be swept off my feet in literal terms or metaphorical terms that's just what I expect. I know that I serve an amazing God that will supply all of my needs and that all I need to do is follow his footsteps and his words and my needs will be supplied :) Im in preparation ..Cuz im Gettin Married Yall!!

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Life as we know It.

Life feels like a never ending class that no one looks forward to graduating from..some drop out..others simply sleep through it all..you have your class clowns an those who strive so hard to to become valedictorian. Life is that class you always dread..its also the one you can never miss a day of, it's a class where everyone learbs something different from each lesson that is taught. I have been thinkin about life a lot lately and about what I am getting out of the current lessons being taught. I look at things like the quake in Japan and feel bad and grateful at the same time, bad that it happen to them but gratful it wasn't me. This week at work I have seen and spoke with two women recovering from a stroke an was glady hugged by a young man with down syndrome and I thought..from now on their lives will always be the same..struggling to remember simple facts or always feeling a bit inferior. But who am I to judge their lives and they way they live it..because last time I checked I am wearing my own shoes and have no interest in changing into thiers. So I need to concentrate on my life an how I am going to take the steps I need to take to get where I want to be. I am perceived as a lot of different things but the one thing I am not perceived of is an accomplishment. I rarely finish what I start an that has changed I am more than a accopmlishment an will show the "life class" that I am learning the lessons I am being taught and that I am ready to take on the next one..no more sleeping in class..

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A day in my shoes..

So I mess up a lot ...I say one thing mean it that day than another it becomes a completely different story..everyone makes mistakes..sometimes I tend to make the same one that has taken on a different form. Life is a constant test in which we chose to pass of fail and I constantly feel like a failing with judgmental eyes telling me what I coulda and shoulda done...and yet none of them are willing to take a walk in my shoes. I'm screaming inside..I'm suffocating on the out. I'm tired of people looking at my struggles actin like they have answers to a problem they have no knowledge about...please please wont you take a walk in my shoes and maybe jus maybe your words will be used a little more wisely..I'm sooo tires if constantly trying to start over because people constantly push me towards the edge..so I'm done I am over it all..I am tired of trusting people who refuse to see the real me..of relying on someone who doesn't realize how good of a friend I have been..If only people treated me how I treated them..than this wouldn't be an issue I wouldn't have to leave ...I am strugglin to find my place in the world..I am feelin like someone stole it from me..I am jus gonna stay home work and handle business..that all I can do..I am hurt.

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I just wanna leave...

In school when we used to play dodge ball I was always the one hit within the first five minutes..my coordination was always terrible..right now I feel like I'm in the middle of a dodge ball game with the devil and I am losing bad..I have caught a couple to keep me in the game but I keep getting distracted by who he put on the sidelines..My mom always told me that God never puts you through more than you can bare that he allows the devil to test you sometimes to see you come out on top..I feel like I'm disappointing them both..because they both see something in me that I often fail to see myself...it sucks sometimes because I know that I am better than this I know that I can do better an make them proud ..because at the end of the day its just a test and trust and believe I have had more than enough practice..it just gets scary you know because there are times when I think about moving an wonder how I will be out there.. I say that I want a fresh start but I need to start fresh out here first...I know for a fact that I am moving to Dallas but before I do I need to make sure that every loose end is taken care of because the last thing I need is to leave and come back AGAIN...quite honestly and sadly I'm worst out here than I was out there..an that scary..I cant go out there worse..I need to go out there better.. So I am going to pass these test...I am going to dodge an catch these balls because I refuse to let the devil have the satisfaction of this win..I'm determined and I know this is what I want ..what I need so I am taking care of it..I am getting it done because I need this...I will show everyone that doubted me and said that I "couldn't" than I can and I will..I'm done being held back..tell me I can't and I will show you that I can..I'm doing this because I need to make God proud my blessing is on the way!

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An addiction gone bad

I don't know how to feel or how to think at time...im tired of the points in my life where I think I can live without consequence...it gets irratating ... I just made a terrible mistake...one tht I know...shouldnt have been made...and most people would say "dont beat yourself up" but I'm realizing the moment I go easy on myself and give in..thats when everything goes down hill..im playing with fire acting like I have a real good insurance policy...i need to stop..take things seriously and realize that ...thats not the reason god has placed me here...he is given me a story to tell...a job to do..and I can't keep skippin through life like I'm always gonna be here...time is hor and life is even shorter..i have to make up my mind on who I'm gonna serve...god or my addiction..

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The way he...

So I met this guy an umm...he is cute..he has swagga and he walks and talks with so much confidence..it kinda hot...we kissed...we kissed a kiss that you cant forget because when he kissed me ...he kissed me...he didn't kiss with false hopes of tootin and bootin ..he didn't kiss with the assumption that he would get any further..he just kissed..me. I wanna say that he see me when he looks at me..but that's where I draw a blank...I feel like he refuses to see me..because he is leaving and seeing me would cause to much interest and to much interest will make him do things that he defiantly does not want to do...so he sees the me that he wants to see..but I see him...I looked deep into who he was trying to figure out why he does the things he does..he is a confident man...with passions and goals..although he sells himself short at times with occasional doubt...he is stubborn and strong minded..but if you push hard enough he may likely be swayed if your point is as valid as he needs it to be..he is a curious guy when he curiosity is stroked the right way..you have to catch his attention ..and once you get it you have to hold onto it..if not turning away will be an easy thing for him to do..he doesn't do the church thing..although I wasn't aware that that's what it is..church is a place a noun..but never a thing. So why am I sooo interested..why do I want him to want me the way that I want him..?? I think its because he is a mix of my past infused with what I want in the future..he has his bad boy moments the dominance I like...the gentleman that I never got a chance to experience..and he doesn't want me..well not in the way that I would like him to..Its hard wanting something that you know is bad for you..its like candy..it gives you cavities..roots your teeth...can give you diabetes but its good..really good and to some addicting...well for me wanting what I cant have is like candy..than when I discover that it can be mine I no longer want it..its only good for the wrong reasons..he is only good for the wrong reasons...I cant move allowing him to be a gateway into a life of mistakes..and I cant allow him to be an exception knowing im not even his option...what to do...what to do..

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A life changing event..

Have you ever been told something that will change you life forever..something that you kinda thought...maybe thought..but didn't know how to express..well i'm in the midst of a life changing event ..something that was always that bad assumption in the back of my mind that finally came to play..I wouldn't say that I wished for it..but the thought was a full as any wish could be..so with that said..be careful what you think..be mindful of what you speak into your own life...I got what I thought I deserved..to bad this has not return policy..I honestly thought that I would be in a deeper depression..that I would feel worse..but the funny thing about it is im not..I feel the same as I did a couple days ago..change never makes me who I am..I am me regardless..so what I have to approach certain situations differently..I would have had to do that either way...I feel like this change will change me for the better...its a secret setback but one that I am sure I can handle...I just need to keep my head held high and know that my family and bestfriend have my back..its funny because usually when I blog I feel like I have a lot to say but this time I feel like there is nothing to say at all. So with that said..im out on to the next blog about this mystery guy I kno.

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