An addiction gone bad

I don't know how to feel or how to think at time...im tired of the points in my life where I think I can live without consequence...it gets irratating ... I just made a terrible mistake...one tht I know...shouldnt have been made...and most people would say "dont beat yourself up" but I'm realizing the moment I go easy on myself and give in..thats when everything goes down hill..im playing with fire acting like I have a real good insurance policy...i need to stop..take things seriously and realize that ...thats not the reason god has placed me here...he is given me a story to tell...a job to do..and I can't keep skippin through life like I'm always gonna be here...time is hor and life is even shorter..i have to make up my mind on who I'm gonna serve...god or my addiction..

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The way he...

So I met this guy an umm...he is cute..he has swagga and he walks and talks with so much confidence..it kinda hot...we kissed...we kissed a kiss that you cant forget because when he kissed me ...he kissed me...he didn't kiss with false hopes of tootin and bootin ..he didn't kiss with the assumption that he would get any further..he just kissed..me. I wanna say that he see me when he looks at me..but that's where I draw a blank...I feel like he refuses to see me..because he is leaving and seeing me would cause to much interest and to much interest will make him do things that he defiantly does not want to do...so he sees the me that he wants to see..but I see him...I looked deep into who he was trying to figure out why he does the things he does..he is a confident man...with passions and goals..although he sells himself short at times with occasional doubt...he is stubborn and strong minded..but if you push hard enough he may likely be swayed if your point is as valid as he needs it to be..he is a curious guy when he curiosity is stroked the right way..you have to catch his attention ..and once you get it you have to hold onto it..if not turning away will be an easy thing for him to do..he doesn't do the church thing..although I wasn't aware that that's what it is..church is a place a noun..but never a thing. So why am I sooo interested..why do I want him to want me the way that I want him..?? I think its because he is a mix of my past infused with what I want in the future..he has his bad boy moments the dominance I like...the gentleman that I never got a chance to experience..and he doesn't want me..well not in the way that I would like him to..Its hard wanting something that you know is bad for you..its like candy..it gives you cavities..roots your teeth...can give you diabetes but its good..really good and to some addicting...well for me wanting what I cant have is like candy..than when I discover that it can be mine I no longer want it..its only good for the wrong reasons..he is only good for the wrong reasons...I cant move allowing him to be a gateway into a life of mistakes..and I cant allow him to be an exception knowing im not even his option...what to do...what to do..

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A life changing event..

Have you ever been told something that will change you life forever..something that you kinda thought...maybe thought..but didn't know how to express..well i'm in the midst of a life changing event ..something that was always that bad assumption in the back of my mind that finally came to play..I wouldn't say that I wished for it..but the thought was a full as any wish could be..so with that said..be careful what you think..be mindful of what you speak into your own life...I got what I thought I deserved..to bad this has not return policy..I honestly thought that I would be in a deeper depression..that I would feel worse..but the funny thing about it is im not..I feel the same as I did a couple days ago..change never makes me who I am..I am me regardless..so what I have to approach certain situations differently..I would have had to do that either way...I feel like this change will change me for the better...its a secret setback but one that I am sure I can handle...I just need to keep my head held high and know that my family and bestfriend have my back..its funny because usually when I blog I feel like I have a lot to say but this time I feel like there is nothing to say at all. So with that said..im out on to the next blog about this mystery guy I kno.

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