So I wait....

The one thing that I hat to do is wait...I am a person for immediate results I hate waiting on things, people, I hate waiting on life itself to happen..And now I am in a place of waiting, now I must sit back and wait, wait for the things that I want, wait for the things that I need, wait for the opportunities to happen. I must wait. The reason why I hate waiting so much is the disappointment that comes when you don't get what you waited so long for. When you want something so bad that you start waiting on it, knowing(thinking) that it is going to happen...that wen it comes time for it..Nothing..I hate that..I cant stand that..it makes me want to scream because the hurt and pain that comes with the disappointment and the fact that you waited you hoped you wished and than nothing...that's a lot to handle a lot to take in and it hurts..Maybe its my fault, maybe I shouldn't anticipate things as much as I do..maybe I should always have a gleam of doubt just in case things don't go my way..But that's no way to be..and that is defiantly not who I am...So thats why I just sit and I wait.

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An Overdue Praise...And a Hidden Word..

A lot of times you will hear people say "everything happens for a reason." Personally I say it all the time. There are times where I think that it should be said "God does things for a reason," but if its a bad thing I feel as though that would give people a excuse to take it out on him. In my life everything has taught me a lesson, I can be the most hard headed person in the world at times, there are times where I see people make mistakes and rather than learn from them I have repeated them with the mindset of " maybe I can do it differently, I wont make the same mistake as them," only to find out in the end that I was so wrong. For the last couple months I have not been to church I have not given God the praise that he deserved, I have not prayed the way that I should have prayed. But for the last couple days all that has changed, it may have been an overdue praise, but I praised God without holding back and it felt oh so good. I heard a word that touch my heart and warmed my soul. The question is where do I go from here on out? I know that God deserves all my praise and all my praise he will have, but physically where do I go from here? Will I be at a place with God that I am able to leave home again and do what (I) feel is best? Is that whats best? I am at a crossroads, I have made up plan after plan after plan trying to figure out exactly what I need to do to make things work for me and for God, and maybe that is staying home and receiving what God has in store for me here, being who God has called me to be here. So that must be the answer to my questions, I cant move until God tells me to, and right now he is saying to stay. Its not about me anymore, it is bigger than me, I cannot afford to have a overdue praise and a hidden word, I need to get mine every chance that I get.

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I run this ... fear.

Someone asked me what my biggest fear is..I dont have a list I dont have an answer that just comes to mind at the asking of that question so my answer is always simply, " I dont know." Truth is my biggest fear is facing my fears..I hate to try something and it be in vain. To be so determined about something that when it comes down to it, it never comes to pass..I am scared that my determination will turn to disappointment, that I will have no fight left in me to fight. I dont need that, nor do I want it. In the last 10 months I think that I have faced to many of my fears; I learned how to drive, I am going back to school, I have learned to grow up and accept responsibility, I have learned that not everything or everyone is how they seem, neither are their opinions. I am growing, that in itself is a scary thing. Part of me feels like I have failed my self, I have failed my family and I have failed God..well I want to thank him for second chances because without it, I wouldn't even be here right now. I just have to learn to take what I was given and learn from it, I cant continue to go down the path that I am because it will not get me anywhere at all. In january I start school. In January I start a new life a new start I can be whoever I choose to be..but the question is who will I be? Will I be the person that I know God has called me to be?? Or will I be the person that I dont know the one that does what she wants regardless of what anyone has to say..the girl that is going to go all out and act like she has no respect for herself, her life, her family and most importantly her God. I refuse to be that person. I need to be the person that God has called me to be, because with him anything is possible and I will accomplish all things.

I run my fears not the other way around.

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