Life is good..Life is great..I just now had some food at 8..lol (I couldn't let the rhyme go to waste)
I was reading a quote today and it said “Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.” I have been an option, I have not even made myself a priority, all I do is try to please others try to make people happy, try to do the things that they want me to so I wont feel like I am disappointing the. I think my biggest fear is become the biggest disappointment, becoming a regret. I know that will never happen, but I often wonder what if it did. What if I was a regret, the biggest disappointment? I want people to love me because I forgot how to love myself, I want to feel important, because I am not a priority, I want to feel beautiful because my esteem has become null and void. I want a sense of security from places where security is no where to be found, hoping, wishing, praying that things will change, that things will be different. I need someone to believe in me, because I doubt myself way to much. I feel like I need someone..because without someone by my side without someone to run to I feel lost..but the only problem with that is every time I have had a someone they left when the going got tough instead of standing by my side and being tougher, they don't want to get "to attached" thinking I am the one that will walk away not realizing how much I need them to stay. I want to trust in some I want to believe but its hard...I have fallen so many time that I have become a pro at falling instead of a pro at getting up..I do need to apologize because there is someone who made me a priority and I made him an option, he tried and tried to be there for me, he was there every time I called and heard my every word..even when I thought he wasn't paying attention, he was there, all the time, when I begin to give up...he would not hear of it and made me stronger, by helping me find the will to fight. He was my option because, I begin to feel like I was using him..and maybe I was subconsciously maybe I did it because I had someone there and I had to get it while it was good...I had to have it before he left and all though he could promise me that cement was holding him down..i would only think of the jackhammer that could get him out. He had to be an option because I am not the person who he thinks I am, I was not the person who he thinks I am, I was someone who he would have been disappointed in, someone who he would try and fix..and I couldn't do that, I couldn't be that, because by allowing him to try and fix me would be allowing him to come in...and I could not let that happen for his sake...for my sake..it sounds crazy..i know..because by me being his priority..it shouldn't matter...but the fact of the matter is that I would be disappointed, and I am already so down that I cant afford to get any lower. I need to become my priority..I could probably start by making myself a choice, but it has to start somewhere...because it hurts less when I let myself down..I need to get things right with myself and with God..and until I do..I cannot put my burden on someone else..I need to get tougher before the going even begins to get tough.
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I was reading a quote today and it said “Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.” I have been an option, I have not even made myself a priority, all I do is try to please others try to make people happy, try to do the things that they want me to so I wont feel like I am disappointing the. I think my biggest fear is become the biggest disappointment, becoming a regret. I know that will never happen, but I often wonder what if it did. What if I was a regret, the biggest disappointment? I want people to love me because I forgot how to love myself, I want to feel important, because I am not a priority, I want to feel beautiful because my esteem has become null and void. I want a sense of security from places where security is no where to be found, hoping, wishing, praying that things will change, that things will be different. I need someone to believe in me, because I doubt myself way to much. I feel like I need someone..because without someone by my side without someone to run to I feel lost..but the only problem with that is every time I have had a someone they left when the going got tough instead of standing by my side and being tougher, they don't want to get "to attached" thinking I am the one that will walk away not realizing how much I need them to stay. I want to trust in some I want to believe but its hard...I have fallen so many time that I have become a pro at falling instead of a pro at getting up..I do need to apologize because there is someone who made me a priority and I made him an option, he tried and tried to be there for me, he was there every time I called and heard my every word..even when I thought he wasn't paying attention, he was there, all the time, when I begin to give up...he would not hear of it and made me stronger, by helping me find the will to fight. He was my option because, I begin to feel like I was using him..and maybe I was subconsciously maybe I did it because I had someone there and I had to get it while it was good...I had to have it before he left and all though he could promise me that cement was holding him down..i would only think of the jackhammer that could get him out. He had to be an option because I am not the person who he thinks I am, I was not the person who he thinks I am, I was someone who he would have been disappointed in, someone who he would try and fix..and I couldn't do that, I couldn't be that, because by allowing him to try and fix me would be allowing him to come in...and I could not let that happen for his sake...for my sake..it sounds crazy..i know..because by me being his priority..it shouldn't matter...but the fact of the matter is that I would be disappointed, and I am already so down that I cant afford to get any lower. I need to become my priority..I could probably start by making myself a choice, but it has to start somewhere...because it hurts less when I let myself down..I need to get things right with myself and with God..and until I do..I cannot put my burden on someone else..I need to get tougher before the going even begins to get tough.
