Self Worth??

I'm confused, broken and bruised...i have lost sight of where I am...where my self worth is, I don't know how to get back, I don't know how to stop...all I know is that I cannot remain in the same position, I cannot stay where I am, I cannot give up or give am. But am I even trying...I feel like it went out the window a long time ago, I want to scream I want to cry I want to run, but I can because I voice is out, I have not tears, and my legs are broke. How did I get so far away..I thought I was okay but I feel like I keep tripping over the same rock again and again...I don't know why I just don't pick it up...or go another way, because I always end up in the same place...at the rock. I ask God what can I do, than I pull away because I know my mind is reprobate...I cant cry out..if I don't change. How can you want to do something, how can you want to change, but when it comes down to that...when the chance is given to you...you decide to stick with what you know...you decide to remain hurt, to remain broken, to remain bruised. I don't want to fight anymore I don't want to feel bad anymore. I just want too be okay, I just want to know that everything is going to be alright. I want to be ready to stop! Why don't I feel worth it!?!? why don't I feel good enough!!!??? What is wrong with me that everything around me is turning to black and white and I feel as though I am to tired to color it. There was a time when I made sure my world was in color when I never gave up, I never gave in and I trusted that God would provide all of my knees. So why am I so deep in denial...I know that God is there I know that he is waiting...But I am so stuck that I feel like I cant take my first step...WHY!!! I need to find me...I need to feel God again...I want to talk to him in my sleep... I want to be able to close my door at night and not be afraid because he is with me. I want to be better. So why is it so hard for me to take that step, why is it so hard to realize that I will be fine...why cant I let go...I just want to let go..it sad when you know your self worth but not realize it.